Number one: Today there is too much thinking.

Lately I’ve been struggling with the feeling of low self-worth, I look around and see people getting things done and I compare myself to that. It seems like there’s a curse on my family, none of us are able to keep our heads above the water money-wise, nothing ever lasts us, most of our cars are crap, dad is always getting hurt. I don’t know why things are like this and it doesn’t seem like of any of us can get out from under it.
The amount of work I can do is severely limited right now and I don’t know if it will ever get better, I go back and forth between trusting that everything will work out and feeling to strain of everything. I don’t know what to do, I always think “maybe I can get into this or that” but it doesn’t happen. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, like everything is just stretching on and on and I’ll be in place forever, forever this child that can’t move away or get a good job. I know that sounds overly dramatic, perhaps that’s coming from the depths of my depressive mind, to overcome that feeling seems almost insurmountable. I feel like there is nothing that makes me special, and I also know that isn’t true but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is that I have to offer.
Maybe it’s stories? I can’t actually get anything done at the moment.

Maybe songs? Oh wait, no, my voice has decided to run off for now; I’m literally missing an entire octave.
Maybe it’s acting. Maybe but its slow going, like slogging through quicksand.
I feel a whole violent churning, like I need to run down a mountain screaming to let out everything inside.
I’m supposed to be working on my story right now but instead this comes out, which, is fine? I am supposed to be writing. I’m so off track.
The point of this was to express my flagging self-confidence. 

Or maybe it’s me getting down on myself, I don’t know.
I compare my voice to my sisters’ the ones that always get noticed, the ones that are doing things people applaud them for.
I compare my life to my siblings, the ones that are doing things, they have jobs, lives, and friends; things to do. 

I feel left behind, but I’ve never been all that involved; comparatively.

I feel invisible, this feeling is only increased when we have “family” dinners.
Here’s what happens, everyone is talking, when I have a comment they all talk over me and I sometimes repeat myself in hopes that they’ll actually hear my comment but usually no one pays attention and they carry on in their conversation. Normally after that I just listen and eventually wander off, I don’t think I’m missed; I am not seen.
That happens in conversations in other groups as well, by the time everyone is quiet enough for me say what I was thinking the subject has changed and its pointless. Then they say “You’re quiet.” And I just nod and smile because what is the point in telling them they didn’t listen when I tried to speak. Maybe they would say I need to be louder, but that would only work if I were shouting; see me.
I used to disappear from places to see if anyone would notice I’m missing, they usually didn’t, I used to be one of those people who tried to get attention, perhaps not in the best way but I wanted to be seen and I wasn’t.
Eventually I stopped trying, I have those flashes every now and then but it’s not in a good way; obviously.

I’ve been getting better at not minding, happy on my own in the quiet; I am after all an introvert and I do need the quiet but not when I am around people trying to be heard.

I try to be a happy hermit, but I don’t think that is what I am.

The fun part is when people find out I feel like this and they tell me they see me and I tell them they do not because they do not understand.
I lose them at that point.

I understand this has a dramatic edge because this is one of those days that the feeling is magnified.

Just so you know.

I often think there is something wrong with me because I feel that I do not have success in any area of life and it is my fault.
Then I think that cannot possibly be true, there are societal factors that contribute to my lack of success, not to mention the fact that I am now injured and have a limited ability to complete tasks.
Then I think I should just ignore my injury and do all of the things I should not so at least I’ll have income that will contribute to gaining an independent life but the pain stops me.
 

Injury puts people off.
I can’t say “Date me, I’m on disability right now but I hope that will change one day, I really can’t do much but I am attractive and have many good qualities; just don’t ask me to lift anything, move my arms a lot, and don’t hug me too hard.”
Not to mention I get depressed about my injury because I can’t function as well as other people and am incredibly weak.

There’s a real success story.

Please understand, I struggle to not let these feelings get me down, but any of you who struggle with any one of these things will understand it is not an easy fight.

 I will let the lid off here.